Julia's thoughts

Meine Gedanken / my thoughts

Well, that hurt.

That girl, she apparently immediately thought I was male. And that really hurts. Since she is really cute and simply because, she seems to be nice and because it’s not my intention to hurt her because of my reaction to that. I’m stupid and present way too male outwardly, and way not female enough. And that is just stupid of me. I can’t help it, it just hurts, it simply is my own stupidity and now I even cry in school. That’s just stupid by me, after all it’s just a random new girl. I definitely need to change something, even if it’s just how I dress. And that’s not something I want to do, apparently though I have to if I want to pass. It just looks like I’m not passing enough to not dress feminine enough. Also, I really need to train my voice, and that’s not easy either. Not because I don’t want to, it’s just… I don’t even know. Also, I definitely need to use that epilating cream again, because that seems to be another thing that’s not helping.

Another thought, it seems like she thinks about this too, and that’s not even something I want. Maybe I actually do, but I shouldn’t. I don’t even want other people to feel regret because they think they hurt me, even if they did, well maybe I actually do, because I am a shitty person like that. It feels like, when I get hurt, I want to make them feel bad themselves, which definitely is not a good thing, and something I need to change. Even if it means changing my whole personality, which might actually be a good idea, to be honest.

Another question is though, who do I want to be, not just who’s me. I think I want to be a passing woman. I wish I could be a cis woman, that’s something I’ll never have though. Well, since I can’t ever get that, I at least want to not be thought of as male, as dumb as that sounds. I want to be a woman, not a man, even though recent developments show, that won’t ever be the case, not completely anyway. Even when I get bottom surgery, I won’t be completely who I want to be, even if I could think of myself that way. Because others never will, at least not those that matter.

It seems like I can’t use the women’s toilet anymore in here as well. If someone thinks I’m male, who else does? Well anyone who would think that and see that would be….

Maybe I shouldn’t give that much thought to what one person thinks, but honesty, one person can destroy my day. Actually, I want to destroy my life because of this.

Julia

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