Julia's thoughts

Meine Gedanken / my thoughts

Suicide and Life

CW: Suicide

how the fuck am I supposed to live in this world. Like, how do you survive. 

It’s just: that I can’t. I just can’t. For all the reasons I outlined in my other texts. I can’t do it. I’m not made for it I’m not supposed to live. That’s an argument I have got to prove of course.

Maybe it’s just the meds speaking. But I am certainly not made for love, maybe not even for friendship. Love is something I’ve never really experienced, I think. I have got some friends but not a „best friend“. So, there is that. But I used to have best friends at least. But love? I don’t even know the meaning of the word. The real meaning, at least. What is a live without love? Is it a live worth living?

Not for me at least.

Of course, the consequence for something like this should be obvious. For me at least. I personally don’t see a point in living.

So now for the more interesting part.

Who could read this and not overreact? No one, you would hope.

Which is a bad thing to hope for, because if someone was to read this text there would be a lot of problems for me, at least if the wrong person read it.

The next question would be: How do I react? How do I kill myself, if I would and wanted to? It’s not like I haven’t tried, but it’s harder than you might imagine.

Full disclaimer. I don’t really want to kill myself, at least I think so.

I think I should mention that all the suicide methods I can think of, that are actually effective, either cause a lot of trouble for others, or are really painful. Or hurt others as Well. You could say Suicide is selfish. I disagree with that statement though, If Suicide was selfish that would mean you had something to gain from it. Which isn’t the case at all. If you succeed you are DEAD. Literally. You don’t have anything, you don’t gain anything. In fact you lose everything, and some would actually argue for Suicide being altruistic, simply because it may in many cases save their loved ones from a lot more pain.

Julia

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