Falling in love. What does it *actually* feel like? I thought I was in love so many times. I don’t know if it was real though, or if it was just a crush. Until now I always fucked it up.
Here’s another story.
It was June this year, 2019, actually, so it was Pride month. I was at Vienna pride, with the only friend I had at the time, called Anna. Well it was nice, but it wasn’t really amazing in retrospective, not compared to Linz pride. I went there with someone I barely knew, someone from trans camp 2018. Well, we didn’t even know anymore how the other looked, so… yeah. We thought we’d be alone there, but how wrong we were. As soon as we arrived and got to the trams taking us to the starting point of the parade, Craig, the guy I was there with, recognized someone… who was there with like 10 other people… So, from one second to the other we were more than ten people instead of two… Well there were bound to be nice people there, right? Well there were. There was this one extremely cute girl, who I would never have dreamed of starting a conversation with, I was way too afraid. So, I just stared „discreetly“ well obviously it was quite obvious… the thing is… she did and thought the same things… And yeah, we just … stared at one another and looked away quickly again… so yeah…. at some point she said hi or hello or something to me, I said hi back, well not the most intelligent answer, but I was nervous as fuck…. So yeah at some point I somehow managed to start a conversation… I don’t know how anymore to be honest. I found out her Name was Anna btw. Well we talked and talked and talked and were extremely shy all day, and it was just amazing being there with her and all the other people there. It was just yeah… the only time, at least I think, I actually fell in love with someone.
So that night we just texted until three a.m. after getting home around midnight. Well we just texted for a few weeks, trying to find an occasion to meet up. You need to understand, she lives about 100 km from my place, so about 2 hours of a train ride, in every direction. Well there just wasn’t an opportunity until my birthday. For which she came to Vienna, her idea, btw. Well that was quite nice, it was though quite expensive, because we had to pay train rides and public transport in Vienna, food and all that stuff… most of which I had to pay, because she doesn’t have much money herself… well it was fine by me. It was my birthday after all, and I got some money on that occasion. Well she spent the weekend in Vienna and it was amazing.
I don’t want to talk about the rest too much right now, I’ll just say we had a few fights, and didn’t talk for a while, so now we text…very differently. And not in a good way.
But let’s get back to love- I still don’t know how it *really* feels. If you read for some reason my recalling of everything that happened with Esther – which I won’t retell here – I hope I made it clear that I don’t know about that relationship either.
I’d love to know how it feels to be in a real, loving relationship, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. Maybe I’m just meant to be forever alone, and if that’s the case that is fine too-I think.